The Relaxed Woman

“Growing up, I never knew a relaxed woman. Successful women? Yes. Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At-ease women? Women who don’t dissect their days into half-hour slots of productivity? Women who prioritize rest and pleasure and play? Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax—without guilt? Without apology? Without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one.”― Nicola Jane Hobbs

This past week on retreat, Taryn from She Recovers shared this quote from Hobbs’ book The Relaxed Woman. It was an incredibly sobering moment. Glimpses of how I have shown up in the world flashed through my mind. There was both sadness and relief: sadness that I’ve felt unworthy of rest unless I’ve earned it, and relief that I’m not alone in that feeling.

Taryn also shared the origins of the word relax:

Relax (v.) from Old French relaschier “set free; soften; reduce, release” (14c.).

For a few days, I was able to experience that kind of release at the She Recovers Sacred Pause Retreat on Salt Spring Island. We arrived on September 25 and leave today, September 29. Less than five days—and yet it feels like weeks. Time isn’t real here; it stretches in the most beautiful way. The retreat, led by Taryn and her mom Dawn in co-creation with the stunning Stowel Lake Farm, created space for me to live as a relaxed woman. I felt nourished by the land, the food, and the women I shared space with.

In my yoga classes, I often remind my students: “There’s nothing to do, nowhere to be, no one to be but here.” A reminder I speak often but rarely live. For the past five days, though, I did. I rested. I walked slowly. I lingered over meals. I drove down curvy roads not knowing where I’d end up. I paused at beaches and on mountaintops. I hadn’t realized how deeply my body craved real rest. My body softened; my mind let go. I tended to a little work, but I kept my phone in my yurt—on my own terms.

This morning, I’m savoring my last slow moments on Salt Spring. I’m writing these reflections from a cozy bed, listening to the rain outside, sipping coffee slowly, and reveling in rest. Tomorrow begins the transition back to everyday life, but I know this experience has been transformational. I may not be able to live in this same restful state at home, but I now know I can be a relaxed woman wherever I am.

If you’ve never been on retreat—especially as a woman—I invite you to try it. It feels like a homecoming to your body and your self. Retreat, rest, and relaxation are invitations to return to who we are.

As I carry this invitation home, I’m noticing the small ways I can translate this feeling into daily life: drinking coffee slowly on the porch without distraction, driving in silence and letting my thoughts rise and fall, unwinding before bed with a journal, book, or tea instead of a screen, walking not to “get steps in” but simply to enjoy moving my body.

I feel so grateful to bring these lessons home. Not only so I can be a relaxed woman—but so the ripple of that relaxation extends to Sloane and the women around me. There is a time to be the successful, productive woman, but we don’t need to sacrifice the relaxed woman for it. We don’t need to wait for exhaustion or burnout to finally give ourselves permission to rest.

It’s a lesson I’ll need to learn again and again. But as I step off Salt Spring and back into everyday life, I feel as though the relaxed woman is coming home with me.